Tough Luck

{Photo courtesy of Marsya}

It's 1:47 am and I'm having pre-finals anxiety. This isn't something new, thus I know the only way to get rid of it is to sit down and study till I feel good about myself and can actually fall asleep. (Yes, I've tried to make a list to ease my mind but that rarely works.)

Pre-finals jitters are the worst. I worry about whether I have enough time to cover everything, which most often than not is impossible because my mind's version of everything is covering the entire syllabus twice with notes and by reading the textbook from cover to cover, twice. Over the years, one would have thought that being able to pull through so many finals would help ease the mind, but that's not the case. I still worry that I'll be unprepared. I tell myself that I've already been accepted into a university but then again, I wanna ace my courses because I know I can and I want to. It's as simple as that. Once finals is over and I can breathe again, I will look back and think 'That wasn't so bad.'

But right now, anxiety will constantly be nagging me in the back of my mind as I watch Community in bed or sit down to read Attachments.

On a lighter note, I can't stop thinking about this loft in Portland. You can read the post here but first, scroll down and be amazed. The desire to live in a loft is stronger than ever, plus I have a lot more ideas to work with right now. Finances psh, I'll let future me worry about that. A girl can always dream.

{Photo credit: Remodelista}

Till then, 

Keep it together. 

No Expectations

{Second shot by Tasha}

I sincerely believe that expectations always lead to disappointment. Maybe because the optimistic side of me is always hyping up a certain book, movie, destination or even person. And when I get to read, watch, get to said destination or know it/him/her, I get let down because I expected more, which ultimately is a lose-lose situation because not only do I feel super bummed, but it's unfair for that person/thing as well. Deep down inside we're constantly wanting to get our socks knocked off our feet and when it doesn't happen, we just go 'Oh, what, that's it?'

Honestly, I hate being let down and throughout my roller coaster ride of 19 years of living, I've learnt to keep my expectations low. Never expecting anything because I cannot stand being let down. For my major exams, I managed to numb my feelings completely till the point where I felt like everything was so surreal. And when it hit me, it hit me hard, in a good way. It's a defence mechanism, for sure. I'm still on the fence whether it's a good or bad thing, but as of now, it works for me.

So I've learnt to not expect anything, it's tough but I try. Occasionally expectations are already there and I do get let down, but it has never been a major issue anymore.

I guess why all of these thoughts are swarming in my head is because of the overwhelming load of information available out there. We read, we watch and we learn, even unwittingly. Information gets processed and that's where expectations arise. As I've been the queen of procrastination as of late, I have been reading a lot of articles and watching a lot of videos, most of the time trying to find out more about life in the States. i.e YouTube videos on dorm rooms, Goodwill/Target hauls etc etc.

This has got to stop. (It'll probably escalate as the countdown reaches 2 months. May God have mercy on us all.)

Till then,
Self control is somewhat within reach.

Breathe In, Exhale

This week I had a lot of free time to reminisce as well as catch up stalk friends I used to have in high school that I no longer keep in touch with anymore (liking the occasional Instagram photo ain't real friendship guys). I realised how my life has taken a total 360 turn, in a good way. I'm doing what I love, that is interning for an online magazine/shop, THIRD CULTURE (show us some love). I am surrounded by people who love me for me, a supportive family and all around good vibes. Yes, I did count my blessings yet again today, thus the overwhelming amount of sentimental dopeass talk.

Whatever.

I have so much to look forward to and I'm truly happy. Cheers to life and all that jazz. Just do what you love and happiness will just seep in easily. I think that's how it works.

Side note: I found out that gigs in San Francisco are around about $35 and I think I'll probably spend all of my money on gigs, books, film, thrifted finds and the occasional taco. Because materialistic gains and intellectual stimulation are what live is all about. Sarcasm? You decide.

Till then,
Looking ahead.

At The Bottom Of Everything

{First two pictures by Tasha}

A conversation I had with Marini made me wonder whether being different from everyone else can actually make one seem intimidating. Just because you like obscure music/books/movies and know about certain places, doesn't make you any less of a person. You're still like any other person on the street, in my opinion, you just know slightly more about some different genre of a topic. Others probably know more about another genre of a topic.

You: Hidden cafés, 60s' French movies, European translated books.

Others: The history of Europe, How to make dynamite, Recipes for Greek food.

Everyone has their own interests, that makes meeting new people fun and interesting because you learn something new by conversing with them. I love talking to people about things I know nothing about because then they'll be able to teach me about it. All's well and dandy. If everyone knew the same thing, that wouldn't be much fun.

A: Heard about that band from Munich?
B: Yeah, totally. They're rad.

Not fun at all. It's nice to relate when you have common interests, don't get me wrong, but diversity is nice too.

It's too late for further ramblings.

Till then,
Be yourself.

Swing of Things

{Credit: 1st photo - Cyrus ; 3rd photo ; All is Amazing}

It's late and I have a shitload to do later on in the day but I can't seem to shut my brain up. Partially because this is one of the major duties I have had as an intern for Third Culture. The internship is great, don't get me wrong, I'm just worried I wouldn't pull through. Right now though, everything seems to be in place, I just need to stop overthinking.

Balancing college and the internship ain't too big of a deal because I have the best bosses ever who understand that I have classes, assignments, tests etc etc. Life is good when you're out of the rut. The time and place of me exiting the rut is tough to pinpoint but it did indeed happen.

Losing my train of thought, I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel today and 2 hours flew by. That's an indication of a great movie. The colours, the settings, the costumes, the dialog and the soundtrack were ace. Wes Anderson can do no wrong really. It made me feel fuzzy inside after it ended and life seemed a little duller but that's just post good movie feels. My vision is clouding over and I can feel my stomach grumbling which is a sign that I should crawl under my covers and call it a night.

Till then,
Sleep tight.

Automatic Stop

Thifted top, H&M skirt, Backpack from Sungei Wang, Shoes from Taipei. 

Cheers to taking outfit posts again after months of slacking off. Back to the existential question of, if there aren't any pictures of it, did it really ever happen?

Decided to try out the whole print on print ordeal, which I usually wouldn't because the thought of having to coordinate prints tend to give me a headache. Even this outfit made me stare at myself in the mirror for a few minutes as the thought of giving others a headache worries me. Surprisingly though, that didn't happen. Instead people actually liked the clash of prints. The universe is full of surprises.

Yay. 

Till then, 

Good times.

Tuesday Tunes: A Rush of Blood to the Head

This song gives me chills down my spine in an extremely good way. I remember listening to it in my car on the way to college one morning and it made me pay attention. The best way to listen to this song, in my opinion, is by turning it up as you drive along the highway at night or super early in the morning when it is still dark out, alone. That was one of the best experiences for me. 

I tend to zone out when listening to this song, which is nice because sometimes we need some form of escapism from our own head. 

Till then, 

Take a listen. 

Delusions

Anyone who knows me well enough would know that I live for spontaneous getaways. If you ever called me up saying 'Hey, let's go to Ipoh/Melaka/Ulu Langat/PD now.', 97% of the time I'll say yes. Even if it isn't some far off locale, but somewhere close by to eat even, I'll say yes. Probably because I like being out, being on the go and being with people. The odd days that I do in fact say no is due to the fact that I'm sick, even then, the idea of going out will gnaw at me for hours on end.

Anyway, the bunch of shots above are from our trip to Hulu Langat/Sg Congkak Waterfall. It was great. I wrote a post on it on Third Culture, in which you can read it here.

After getting all of my rolls back, I can't wait to go out, explore somewhere, anywhere preferably with someone who wouldn't mind taking lots of photos, eating at obscure places and having coffee in cafés with vinyl players.

Till then,
Mildly content.

You; My Compass & My Sea.

Emotions have been at an all time high, ranging from incredibly unhappy to happiness that radiates. Sometimes I pause and think how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing people. The pessimist in me would never believe that I would find such incredible people around me, who love me as much as I love them. But hey, the universe has some good tricks up its sleeves. They really are my rock, my pseudo family of sorts. And the thought of leaving them has never really hit me until recently. 

Just today I was planning a short trip to Singapore, but realised how I didn't really have much time to do so because in 4 months' time, I'll be jetting off to the other side of the world with a new chapter of my life ahead of me. There are so many things to look forward to in all honesty. I am happy and grateful for the opportunities ahead, but at the same time it's tough letting go of my life here. It will alter in ways I can never fully fathom, it's definitely a leap of faith and saying goodbye is only the beginning.

Till then, 

Drowning in thoughts.